August 13, 2015–two days before my birthday and five days before the one year anniversary of finding the colon cancer that rerouted my plans for an entire year.
I’m in remission. There’s no sign of metastases on my 3 month scan, and I can even have my port removed. I wish I could tell you that emotionally I’m beyond thrilled. Instead, I’m scared. I’m scared that this will not be the end, that some CT scan will reveal signs of liver metastases and that I will need to decide what I will do with that information. Those of you who have passed the five year mark, and have been declared cancer free: Does this feeling ever go away? Do you ever feel at ease with cancer? Is it still lurking behind the corner? Were you able to erase all negative thoughts about your future? Were you able to enjoy your life without worry? How long did it take you to make peace with it all?
These are questions I’m grappling with right now. Having virtually no control over whether or not my body has eradicated all possible metastatic cells unnerves me. I accepted not having control during chemo. No one has control over chemo. I was in survival mode. Now that I’m integrating back into life, it’s difficult to put it all behind me, to wipe the past 11 months clean. Is this common? How do you get through this part?